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Top Tips

  If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.  
  Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.  
  Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all as to your allegiance.  
  An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry bees makes an inexpensive vibrator.  
  Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.  
  Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b****rds.  
  Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog poo into the bath.  
  Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.  
  Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pi**ed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.  
  X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.  
  Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.  
  When crossing a one-way street, save time by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.  
  A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.  
  Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.  
  Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.  
  Husbands. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pi**ing in the sink.  
  Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.  
  Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't notice the f**king difference.  
  Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.  
  Fellas. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.  
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